Grief Letter

Oh Barry, I had a feeling that you were sicker than you or your medical test led me to believe. I am so sorry that I did not listen to that still small voice. Would it have made a difference? Yet, it is so selfish of me to still want you with me. I desire to hear to your voice in my ear, the touch of your dear lips on me as we come together as one, and the warmth of your embrace. The lady at church said the pain comes from the separation of conjoined hearts and souls becoming 2 separate entities again! Is that really true? Must I be separate from you? It does not feel right! Tomorrow I fight with social security. I have to prove that I was your wife. Do I have to part from you- until death do us part? I love you more than ever and I don’t want to marry again – ever. 1 forever love is so much more than some get in their lives, with or without a disability. I hope you can still feel my deep love for you! One minute you were here with me and the next instant you were gone! However, I am trying to move ahead – trying to make plans for an uncertain future BUT I MISS YOU. Our daughter keeps me here, but I would be lying if I said that a big part of me does not want to be with you, like always! It is said that grief is the love that no longer has a home because I can no longer express its depth. My heart hurts more than mere words can san say; there are not enough words to express it! I LOVE and I WUV you for eternity!

Glen's Wedding

Our second wedding in Vegas on December 17, 2012. We were married 27 years at the time. To the left (next to me) is our daughter and Glen, my brother, is to my husband’s right.

Heartbroken

Barry is/was my husband – the best husband.  He and I were married 33 years, 3 months, 1 day and 22 hours until God took him home. How many would choose to take on a severely disabled, wheelchair bound woman with Cerebral Palsy. He could have easily married someone with much less baggage and more going for her. Barry had the biggest heart!

Barry Albert Baker, (59), died in his sleep due to respiratory failure. People around Bellingham may recall him and his wife driving around Bellingham in their “wheelchair train.” Barry had been a Bellingham resident for 11 years. He was born in Arlington, TX, but his family soon moved to Shreveport, LA where he resided until he joined the USMC and was stationed at Camp Pendleton, CA, near Oceanside, where he proudly served our country. He is survived by his loving wife and daughter Katherine (Kathy) and Kristie Baker of Bellingham. He also has 2 lovely  sisters, Dona Baker-Robertson and Debbie Baker of Prairieville, LA. Barry has 3 nephews: Michael Robertson of Colorado, Andrew Robertson of Arizona and Nicholas Brooks of Prairieville, LA. He was also proud of his Uncle, Dr. Dudley Baker of Belton, TX and his Aunt, Gail Watkins of Texarkana, TX. Both of his parents, Donald and Erkle Lee Baker preceded him in death. A Celebration of Life will be held at Lake Padden in the Spring when weather permits. His loving heart, one and only sense of humor and pranks will be greatly missed!

My dear, sweet Barry went home to his eternal rest 16 days ago very suddenly and unexpectedly. I had Just spoken to him, not 15 minutes before.  Our little dog Mela tried to tell us, but we were too slow to understand.  Ilia went back to the bedroom. His pallor was grayish, so she went to Kristie’s room to get her. In the meantime, I thought it was taking for Ilia to ask Barry a simple question. “What, if anything did he want from the store? I covered the short distant to the bedroom and what greeted me was the most horrifying sight; Kristie, our daughter, was performing CPR on her beloved Daddy.  911 was on the phone. In shock and disbelief, I yelled, “OMG Barry, don’t leave me! Don’t leave Kristie! You can’t leave us!” Kristie yelled, “Dad, come back pleeeeease! She begged and I begged and pleaded with him and God to send him to return him to us. I thought of the book that I was reading, 90 Minutes in Heaven. That’s it! I was supposed to pray him back to life. I cursed my stupid power chair because I could not be with him. I was in the way! Sirens announced their impending arrival. They would have magic cure to bring him back to life, along with my fervent prayers! I just knew that God would use them to bring him back! I made a call to Mrs. Deibert, the most wonderful, Christian that I know! However, none of the prayers worked! You stayed with God and I became a widow! I will never see you on this earth, never feel your arms around me, never share our love as one again, never see you smile and laugh again and I will never jump because you snuck up on me.

We won’t be together at Kristie’s future wedding or hold our grandchild. We were robbed of the chance to grow old together! I do not understand, my sweet love. I will go on for the sake of our daughter for as long as God allows me to stay. But half of me wants to join you in the beautiful fullness of life in heaven, but the other half calls me to remain here until Kristie is happy and settled. However, I never want to be a burden to her! She has had so much added responsibility suddenly placed on her while grieving your huge absence.

I have learned that there are more people that care about us than we ever knew. Your absence is greatly and deeply felt. They have helped to sustain me through these very dark days. You would be so proud of our daughter; she is a lot like you – strong and stubborn and capable of great love. Baby, I still give you my love and loyalty. When we got married we vowed “For richer or poorer, in sickness and health until death do us part. You are not parted from me and I am not parted from you! Our love lives on!barry-kathy-train

Trying to Put Him First

I have finally figured out what my goal is 2019. It is a lofty one, and one that nobody can really fully because we are imperfect human beings. I can improve on it and strive for higher things by putting God first more often.  I get in my own way too often by putting my own wants ahead of Him. This came to my mind due to a graduation given 2017 by Denzel Washington that I happened to watch. It a beautiful, eloquent speech. He talks about being thankful for each blessing that we receive, even before we receive it. Here is the link:

https://www.bing.com/videos/searchq=put+god+first+denzel+washington&view=detail&mid=A802A4CF4E4BEC2F5B54A802A4CF4E4BEC2F5B54&FORM=VIRE

jeramiah 29 11

Where the White Wolves Dance — thehouseofbailey

 

I loved this poem and its beautififul word imagery, so I posted it from the Reader! I love word that create pictures in the heart and mind! Thank you Scott!

By Scott Bailey © 2014 A ring of solid light Hovers just above the ground Spinning with infinity Casts glamour all around This is Where the white wolves dance It is said the be the child Of the seed of forbidden fruit Born from secret knowledge Found on a hidden a hidden route Around it […]

via Where the White Wolves Dance — thehouseofbailey

A Story of Hope & Looking Up

I watch the CBS Evening News each Friday to watch the final segment, Steve Hartman’s “Stories from the Road” to hear good news for a change of pace. For 31-year-old Jermaine Wilson of Leavenworth, Kansas, he hit rock bottom by going to prison for dealing drugs. However, he used the time well; he now speaks at his old elementary school to help children believe in a brighter tomorrow. He also has two day jobs, he helps people who just come out of prison obtain good jobs. Wilson also has become the Mayor of Leavenworth recently. He credits his time of incarceration for helping him get closer to God and getting his life on a much more positive track  through volunteering and  community activism. I just want to point out that you can still rise, even if you had the worst start in life. If you are down in the pit, you may as well look up. It beats looking down! If you want to see and hear the whole story, here is the link:

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/kansas-mayor-jermaine-wilson-was-once-in-prisons-maximum-security-wing/

Remember, your story can always be added to and reframed for the better by looking up and having supports around you! This creates HOPE!Hope endures