Hope & Lessons I am Learning

End of death, sin, agony and pain.
Abundant joy and life everlasting.
Savior for the broken, imperfect souls in every one of us.
Triumph over addiction, hate, loneliness, depression and tears.
Everyone who asks has a mansion in His heaven.
Redeeming grace, love and forgiveness He gives His children.

These are the the blessings that my husband, my parents my grandparents are now enjoying, yet my frail human spirit misses them all and thinks of them daily. Part of me longs to be with them, yet I am still here. This means that my job is not yet done. Due to my Cerebral Palsy, I did not expect to be. Several people told my Barry to expect to be a widower at a young age. The irony is that God had other plans and took my husband first. just last year.

I had grieved deeply before.  But, my grandparents as well as my parents were all very ill, very elderly or both. In any case, I had time to get used to the idea. I had learned that it is better that they go Home, away from me, that for me to pray for them to stay with me is very selfish on my part. This did not come to me in a flash of great insight, but gradually. I lost them slowly, inch by inch. I was aware of the magnitude of their suffering whether they spoke of it or not. I felt it!

With Barry, it was very different. I felt like he was stolen from me and our daughter. I watched her do CPR on him. I saw him being yanked to the ground as the EMT’s arrived. After 33 years 3 months 1 day and 22 hours, he was just gone in the blink of eye, before my daughter could tell him that we loved him. There was no denial nor bargaining with God. I tried. I was reading the last few pages of the book by Don Piper, 90 Minutes in Heaven.  I was told by someone to leave – they needed room to move around. Like so many times before, I was in the way, my chair took up too much space, and it kept me from being where I should have in the bed, holding his hand. Suddenly, it occurred to me that this was the reason that God had me read the book. I was to pray my Barry back to life. I prayed and I prayed. I could not lose him now. In a few months we would be in a position to buy a home of our our own, out of a major city. His tests had actually shown stability and his blood sugar and blood pressure were down. Therefore, death seemed impossible!  Up until I left him at the funeral home for the last. time, I held out hope for a miracle! His face looked at peace, not contorted in pain. The constant pain made him have age lines that he may not have had yet, but for the pain, The lines were not present in younger years. The biggest lesson I learned was God/Jesus does hear and respond to our prayers. Barry was finally free of pain and constant self-doubt. He never felt worthy or good enough on this Earth! From the look of peace on his face, I knew that he finally felt good enough, loved enough. That was  a miracle!  (Matt. 7-8). Also, Romans 8: 28. However, I wanted it done here on Earth with me to witness it, but God wanted it done a different way! Until, I left him, I thought it may be the ultimate Joke. He looked like he was having the best sleep in ages! There was a small part of me that expected him to suddenly awaken and say “Gotcha good that time, didn’t I?

Who was going to take care of me? I certainly did not want my/our daughter to carry that burden. The truth is I need a lot of help with ADL’s, otherwise, called essential activities of daily living. These include: bathing, dressing, transferring in/out of bed etc. Another lesson I learned is just how much our daughter is like her dad. Just at the time that my income went down a great deal and my rent was going up well past my total income, my daughter found a place which she could afford, just as her dad had planned, away from the city. While the care-giving situation has not always been smooth (it takes 6 people to take the place of my Barry). Naturally, that doesn’t even count the spousal things that go into it! BUT, my point is that God provides! (Matthew 6). Again, (Romans 8:28). Sometimes, it is just enough, but He is taking care of me!cropped-doves.jpg2012

 

FINALLY, I  was reminded that;